Hey there! How’s your week? How’s your snowfall if you live in a place where that happened? Hope it’s delightful and you got many chances to annoy all of your Instagram followers with stories of snow set to Irving Berlin songs - I know I did! I hope you’re staying in as much as possible and staying safe, but I also hope that, nine days to Christmas, this is your whole vibe. If you’re having a groovy time reading these, consider subscribing! I promise I have big things in the works, and I don’t just mean deciding to rewatch The West Wing in its entirety for the second time in six months (which I am dangerously close to undertaking).
We’ve been on a five week journey through Candyland (catch up on weeks one, two, three, and four), and I’ve come to the conclusion that the dentist in this kingdom must be overworked beyond belief. Seemingly, all they eat here is Candy, which I guess is fine until you suspend your disbelief. That’s exactly what we’re asked to do as host Kristin Chenoweth holds up a basket full of lollipops and calls it a Candyland harvest and says it smells fresh. I adore the Willy Wonka base reality we’ve all agreed to when we settled down for this candy competition.
The dessert artists make their way onto the set, and my official stance on the state of affairs is that I love each and every one of them with my whole heart and we absolutely cannot eliminate any of them. This is a very healthy attitude to have when watching a reality competition program. Kristin asks the teams if they missed her like they didn’t just shoot an episode like a day or two ago, and they chime, “yes!” as one. Kristin is in a powder blue sequin dress with bell sleeves and shoulder pads - very Big Business goes formal. The hair is a teased updo and the vibe is pageant all around.
Kristin lets the teams know someone will go home (here she does an exaggerated frown), but two teams will go to the finale (here she does an exaggerated smile). Kristin asks if everyone feels like they’re Candyland locals now, and I think I can include myself in this and say yes. Since we’re all part of this community, it’s only right that the teams present King Kandy with their plans to beautify Candyland Town Square. I love infrastructure week! Kristin played Three Gumdrop Monty to pick the Candy Captains. She beckons them over to select their lands en français (“entrez-vous!”), and while she’s not exactly a traditional Louise, what an interesting pick for Gypsy Rose Lee! Too bad we’re in the second week without our Candyland Community Players, the Blue team.
Red won the no-elimination King Kandy advantage episode last week, so they have a say in their land this week. Candy Captain Deva picks Gumdrop Mountain. Pink’s Mona draws Peppermint Forest, and Yellow’s Grace pulls Lollipop Woods. Foraging for ingredients is huge this week, because all the b-roll is of the teams doing so. Red found some peach rings, and they’re scooping sanding sugar into bowls with their bare hands; I have some questions about this! Deva is happy to return after being down for the count with an illness last week. She’s got an idea for community beautification - a Candyland Community Garden, which Red promises will be a colorful, glittery gumdrop garden. Kristin Chenoweth is going to LOVE this.
Yellow absolutely loves being in Lollipop Woods (objectively, the best Candyland land) because it’s where they started the competition in week one. As the team with the most wins under their candy belts, they feel they have a target on their backs. They’ll add to Candyland Town Square with a clock tower that dispenses bubbles every time the Candyland citizens need to eat lollipops, because I guess there’s a surplus here that needs to be taken care of. Pink has found themselves in the Peppermint Forest, the most wintry of the lands, for the very first time this week. They think Town Square needs a cloud-making machine, churning out clouds that dispense peppermint snowflake clouds. The group consensus is the name must be the Cloud Blaster 6000. Eyewear superstar Andrew’s glasses look drippy on the bottom, have candy pieces up top, and match the statement shoulder piece he’s accessorizing with on his Candyland whites. I don’t know why I’m surprised to see commitment to the bit from a person with hair as carefully color-sectioned as the tie-dye pullover I impulse bought in March.
As Pink gets to work on rice paper snowflakes, Red makes a sign for their community garden. Deva is making gorgeous little buttercream flowers when Kristin stops by to check in on the newly returned Candy Captain. Deva’s mom always wanted her own garden but never had one, so this candy garden is inspired by her. Deva remarks that everyone deserves something nice, and Kristin is incredibly touched by this moment and sentiment. All of Red agrees that they’re inspired to push themselves by Deva’s work ethic in Candyland and outside of it, and Ray and Kristin share a moment about how it’s not where you start, but where you finish (I’m positive one or both of them hummed this to themselves with this exact performance moments after this conversation; please don’t tell me otherwise if this is not so).
It’s judge time! Nacho Aguirre and Aarti Sequeira arrive on set to do the commentator part of their judge duties. Nacho is in a striking blue jacket, which I did notice but also feel obligated to comment on after being so distracted by Aarti’s on-point clothes the last few weeks. Aarti remarks that it’s quieter here, as the teams know it’s the last competition before the finale. Nacho adds that these Town Square improvement projects will show if the teams really know Candyland or not. Pink definitely knows Peppermint, but as Alexis covers the centerpiece cloud of their build in modeling chocolate, she banters with Andrew about not knowing cloud names. I, too, do not know cloud names, but I would simply I Don’t Know Her if presented with the chance to talk about them on tv. I don’t know what most of these dessert terms and items are, though, so maybe I should be quiet about this cloud ignorance. Nacho checks in on Pink, where the cloud confuses him, because it does NOT look like a cloud yet. It’s a work in progress, Nacho! Didn’t Red and the musical Seesaw just teach us about this?
Robert is working on peppermint chocolate walls for Pink’s machine that will look like peppermint bark. He’s excited to finally be in Peppermint Forest, because he loves the December aesthetic, and same. Kristin checks in on Pink now, and wants to know how Robert got into dessert artistry. Robert was studying criminal justice, but watching cooking shows on the Discovery Channel sparked his interest in a career change. I adore sister network promotion synergy, but not as much as Kristin adores this backstory. Each time she’s delighted by a competitor’s history and backstory and journey to this sticky little Candyland, it’s a moment of human connection that grounds this purposefully heightened and artificial competition right back in reality. It’s so good to watch someone be a good listener and nice to watch someone be nice!
Aarti and Nacho reconvene to discuss the teams’ progress so far. Yellow’s clock has a wow factor advantage because of its height, but Red’s garden will have to be very dramatic to impress. Ray realizes the same thing, noting that their garden is very tiny when compared to everyone else’s builds. Ray fears they played it too safe, but Jewel knows this just means they have to be extra detailed in their work. Does a PA get to eat these literal works of art when this is all done? There’s a lot of cakework, but also a lot of sugar scooped from the ground with bare hands. This question has haunted me for weeks.
There isn’t much time for the audience to contemplate food waste, though, because the sound of trumpets is blasted so forcefully that it knocks Kristin Chenoweth over into a candy bush. Truly, this is the physical comedy that won her a Tony and an Emmy and my heart when she hosted the 2015 Tony Awards. After brushing herself off with, “ding dang trumpets, every time!” (which gets a laugh from Pink’s Mona, or at least it’s edited to look that way), Kristin calls over the Candy Captains, emphasizing they should hurry before the trumpets get them, too.
King Kandy demands his weekly tasty treat, and this week he wants a dessert that’s pristine on the outside (much like your host, Kristin tells us) but ooey gooey on the inside (also much like your host, Kristin tells us). The treats must have a delicious little hammer or chisel the judges will use to bust the treats open, because everyone loves participation activities. Kristin tells the Captains to “git,” lest we forget she’s from Oklahoma, and to remember that the loser must go to the Licorice Lagoon, and we all know what that means (ritual humiliation)!
The Candy Captains assign their sacrificial dessert artists - Yellow’s Jordan, Red’s Jewel, and Pink’s Robert. Jordan is making Something to Celebrate (I’m celebrating that production is naming the treats again), which will be a hollow lollipop with a dark chocolate truffle and a coulis, which ONCE AGAIN, is not explained to me. (I exclaimed, “SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT A COULIS IS,” as I watched this, and my mother cooly defined it from the next room. She reports, “I’ve never eaten one, they just make it a lot on these shows.” Perhaps I am the fool for not knowing it? Anyway, I forgot the definition immediately after she told me.) Jewel’s treat is Just Peachy, which will have a coconut panna cotta and a peach goo - her word, not mine. Robert is crafting his Chocolate Cloud, which will have rosemary caramel and a chocolate walnut brownie. Andrew asks if Robert is making six extra brownies for the team, Robert replies that he’ll make Andrew a dozen, and are these two FLIRTING? I approve.
Kristin bounces over to Yellow’s station with a, “you’re neuroscience, right?” to Grace, which I’m shocked Grace did not meet with, “I am, high notes out of nowhere.” Grace has some thoughts on neuroscience relating to Candyland, as she’s noticed that everyone there, contestants, judges, and host, are happy and motivated. There’s sugar in the air, Grace says, and everyone is absorbing it all the time without realizing it. Kristin does a take to camera here that might be joy from the sugar rush, terror that they’ve been absorbing sugar against their will, or disbelief at the parallels between the sugar permeation and our common pandemic reality. Perhaps it’s a combination of all three. Grace explains there’s dopamine involved when consuming sugar, and Kristin nods and knowingly goes, “dopamine, right,” because who among us hasn’t done furious 3 AM googling about what to do to not be sad when they’re sad? Grace deep dives neuroscience here, using very big words, and Kristin and I make identical faces, where we’re pretending we understand what’s being said to us while thinking, “oh no, they didn’t cover this in A New Brain,” which Kristin has the advantage of having been in. Kristin tells Grace many things have been answered for her now, despite she and I and Grace all knowing that Kristin has more questions than answers. Kristin appreciates that Grace explained this in a very riveting way, which is true! It just went over my head! I went to school for belting and crying and port de bras! This sequence is some of Kristin’s best mugging work on this show to date.
It’s time for Pink to attach their giant cloud to the build, and we’ve got trouble. Andrew is doing his best to act as cheerleader, but the cloud is much heavier than Pink anticipated. The cloud integration plan simply is not working, Andrew doesn’t see a solution, and everyone is afraid they’ll be sent home for this. This is Candyland, though, and there’s a way out of every sticky situation here: a smaller cloud. The effect won’t be as gravity defying, and it’s not what Pink envisioned, but it makes the build complete, and that’s what counts.
Back to the judges! Aarti thinks this is the hardest tasty treat yet, but Nacho’s excited by the difficulty. Jewel is trying to finish what she calls her most ambitious dessert yet and hopes she makes her aunt proud - she loves prosecco and the prosecco element is a tribute to her (this aunt and I would be very good friends). Robert and Jordan finish just in time, and Kristin calls for the contestants to bring their ooeys and gooeys over to her and the judges; I do not care for that phrase, not one bit.
Kristin marvels at how good the desserts look, although she’s yet to eat one on camera. Judges and host alike are thrilled by the crack open on Jordan’s dessert. They’re equally thrilled that this Something to Celebrate has alcohol, but the flavor profile could be better. Jordan teases that there will be something to celebrate later, so maybe he did name this himself? Jewel’s dessert has prosecco, and Nacho is right to be suspicious that the competitors are trying to get the judges drunk. Jewel gets overall praise from the judges. It’s true that everyone loves to participate, so Kristin asks permission to break open Robert’s dessert, sweetly checking if he has any specific instructions. Everyone on this show has a crush on Robert, don’t they? Kristin cracks that bad boy open, and she’s so proud of herself. Nacho can’t taste the rosemary in Robert’s dessert, while Aarti gets it loud and clear, but notes there should have been more caramel to make it ooier and gooier. With a sigh of relief, I watched Kristin Chenoweth sample a dessert on camera for the first time in five weeks. I’m as proud of her for this as she was of herself for cracking that candy a few moments before.
Someone’s gotta be a loser in reality competition programming, so Jordan is sent to Licorice Lagoon. Kristin leads Jordan on a walk of shame (her words) to the Lagoon, holding his entire arm instead of her usual supportive hand hold. This seems extra ominous this week, which may just be because it’s the first time Yellow has ever sent a team member to Lord Licorice. Kristin’s been working on her Lord Licorice voice and thinks she’s finally perfected it, but she simply sounds like Daniel Craig in Knives Out. This Lord Licorice voice bit is my favorite game within the game on this show. Jordan has to test Lord Licorice’s new tourist attraction, the Licorice Links, and get a hole in one. But oh no! The putter is licorice. Like, it’s a rubber string from the handle down to the head. Lord Licorice is such a scoundrel!
Kristin, ever the hosting optimist, goes, “you got this baby!” and Jordan is like, “no, this just isn’t gonna happen,” and Kristin goes, “FORE!” and Jordan keeps trying, like, “NO WAY THIS IS HAPPENING,” and Kristin is just laughing at how ridiculous this is while still trying to be encouraging while Jordan is like, “naaaaah.” Eventually, he gets that hole in one, and a cheer erupts from the entire set in a way that tells me that this put-put event went on for the better part of an hour.
Kristin declares fifteen minutes left in the competition with hands on hips, and there’s so little final touches drama on the teams that suddenly Kristin is announcing five minutes left. Nacho, Aarti, and Kristin count down the end of the build in unison, and everyone is done with nothing breaking at the last second. How fun for my overtaxed nerves!
Kristin has FINALLY undergone her mid-episode costume change, and this was WORTH the WAIT. It’s strapless and black and silver shimmer and tea length on Kristin, which means it’s a dress that’s either well-tailored or meant to hit a cocktail length on say, me (probably a mini on your Allison Janneys, though).
Time for the judges to take a tour of the new and improved Candyland Town Square. Red is their first stop, and the details they’ve added to the community garden are the highlight of the build. Deva has even added a little stone with her mom’s name and handprints, which Kristin says brings the goosebump factor. Aarti calls this sweet and definitely sees this garden in the town square, but it doesn’t take her breath away. Nacho thinks this must be a very newly planted garden, because there are no trees - overall, the piece lacks height.
Yellow loves a production number, so there’s a whole ribbon cutting ceremony for their clock tower. Queen Lollipop herself, Kristin, gets to do the honors, which she remarks is like being back at the Miss Piggly Wiggly Pageant (Oklahoma, okay!). This ribbon cutting was the whole big surprise Jordan alluded to with his tasty treat, though Kristin had been hoping someone was getting married or having a baby, which would be a level of showmance I don’t think the Food Network is equipped for. Aarti calls the clock a stunner, and she’s right; the details here are wild. Nacho and Aarti have critiques of small details because they have to, but they can picture this clock and the bubbles coming out of the top in Lollipop Woods for real.
When we finally get to Pink, Nacho wants to know what happened to that great big unconvincing cloud he criticized earlier. Andrew tries to play this off with a cool, “cloud? What cloud?” but the build time is short and Nacho’s memory is long. Elements like a centerpiece cloud are important at this point in the competition, but Nacho loves how the color and theme of the cloud machine match the land. Aarti wants to know who had the patience of a Tibetan monk to smash and carefully place peppermint pieces around the build. No one takes credit, which honestly is very monklike. The cloud isn’t as beautiful as one hopes it would be as the focal point of the piece, however.
No one wants to go home, and I don’t want them to, either! That’s not how a show with a prize at the end works, so a winner and a loser have to be picked. To what was probably no one’s shock, Yellow is the winner this week. After some celebration, Kristin says it’s time for the part she hates and is glad she doesn’t have to do; this just means Aarti has to do it. I’d be sad to see both Red and Pink go, but it stings a little when Pink is announced to be sent home this week. Yes, that’s because of Andrew’s glasses; I bet he had something major planned for the finale. Kristin tells Pink everyone in Candyland loves them so much, and as a self-declared Candyland local, I agree entirely. Pink all cry a little, and to tell the truth, I do, too (I haven’t been out in public for real since March, everyone). The hair won’t be as colorful, the moustaches won’t be as sculpted, the eyewear won’t be as novelty, and the chocolate won’t be as meticulously crafted here in Candyland, but somehow, we’ll all soldier on to next week’s finale. Kristin literally salutes Pink off, and if ever there was a time to sing Happy Trails on this show, this was it.
It’s all joy and jubilation for Yellow and Red, because it’s time for them to pick up their pieces and take them up to King Kandy’s castle - almost! Because they can’t really! Because it’s a forced perspective structure and I don’t think you can really get up there, and WOW, I hope next week we finally get to see who’s been hiding in that castle as the secret King Kandy! What we’ll definitely get to see next week is Kristin in her intro dress, except in the competition, Ray very sweetly telling Yellow that he isn’t always sweet just because he’s around sweets all day in what I believe to be an attempt at intimidation, and CONFETTI when Aarti gets to announce the winner.
We’ve come so far with this Candyland crew, and I’d be lying if I said the nearing end of their holiday dessert crafting competition series isn’t bittersweet. There are at least two more Chenoweth costume changes in our future, though, and more than enough spirit and sparkle to soothe and cheer Candyland’s champions and runners up. And if we’re very lucky, Guy Fieri will be there in a cape.
Candyland airs on Food Network on Sundays at 9/8c. They still aren’t paying me for any of this. Thank you.
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