A newsletter on Thanksgiving Eve. Sounds crazy, no? But here in my little corner of the Internet, I have a full time job and I get around to these things when I get to them.
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Candyland fans, we are BACK and diving right back into the world of Candyland. Last week, Food Network established the world of our candy confectionery competition, which is why episode two can get away with host Kristin Chenoweth doing a high note one minute and sixteen seconds in. It’s King Kandy’s world, and we are all just along for the ride.
That ride, it turns out, is made out of candy (which, if you missed episode one or forgot, the entire set of Candyland is also made out of), thus, contestants must craft candy rides for Candyland. We’re only two episodes in, and I’m already starting to worry about how all the food that contestants must forage from the set to build their creations with is faring under studio lights. Kristin Chenoweth is shimmering and shining under those lights, though, and I’m going to manage expectations right up top by letting you know that Kristin taking a spin upon the candy rides is not a challenge requirement.
With a new week comes new Candy Captains. Mona will lead Pink in Chocolate Mountains, Eric will head up Blue in Lollipop Woods, Jamilla will captain Yellow in Gumdrop Mountains, and Deva will be in charge of Red in Lemon Lime Springs. Yellow won last week, so everyone wants to beat them and Yellow knows it. The heat is on as high as the lamps the sugar artists use to stretch their sculptures!
Red sketches out a flying saucer powered by lemon and lime juice that will rotate and have a fog machine, because this is a show with the budget for that. Yellow has plans for an off-road gumdrop air balloon with wings, which worries me, because wings portend danger, as established last week. Blue dreams up the Helihover, which is a Jetsons-esqe, smart-car sized wonder for one - one gingerbread person, that is! As Pink brainstorms, our beloved Lisa Frank folder Andrew asks the group if they know what a dirigible is, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, no one else on Pink has the antiquated word for a blimp so ready at the front of their mind. Andrew, if you read this, PLEASE drop the Etsy link for your many custom glasses!
We check back in on Blue, and Reva, our redhead who loves candy, is chortling and cackling and absolutely beside herself with giddy delight as she picks up lollipops from the ground and hugs them to her chest. Reva has wonderful community theatre energy (by which I mean she is giving everything her earnest all, if you are not someone who implicitly understands that energy because they once did a production of Gypsy where there were three different Louises throughout the show, for some reason). I think she would make a marvelous Princess Winifred in Once Upon a Mattress and a terribly miscast Julie Jordan in Carousel, but one I would still very much like to see. Reva is, I think, a person I would want on my team, just, like, in general. For life stuff.
Kristin is back to beating RuPaul at his own gig as we learn more about our dessert artists, finding lollipops as big as she is to do some business with. As host David Bromstad in episode one’s Behind the Build special whispered of Kristin last week, she’s perfect. Yellow’s Jamilla is a therapist who gets patients to open up over baking. Kristin tries to scam a three hour therapy session out of her, which is the exact energy and mood that had me looking into if Jamilla is an in-network provider for me during the commercial breaks.
Red’s Deva cooks with her kids and says they’re still in the burning stages, prompting Kristin to say that SHE is also still in the burning stages. With a take to camera, Kristin says she’s only twenty, though, with the universal sign for “don’t you want to get this exact subtle work done one day, Caitlin?” - a light pull back at the temple - and yes, I DO want to get that exact subtle work done one day, Kristin. Deva, though, grew up in shelters and decided to become a baker because she has such strong joyful memories of someone bringing a cake to her shelter; she wants to spread that joy to others and loves Candyland for giving her the childhood she never had. I know this is a group game and there are no individual winners, but I would knock over the entire Candyland board (in the spectacularly toddler way the little girls in Brooklyn I once babysat would anytime they lost) just to see Deva win.
Over in Chocolate Woods, Pink is making Wonka references galore, and everyone is very welcome that I had a sense of prescience around the similarity of these worlds. They lucked out with their Candyland land this week, because they have an artist on their team, Robert, who is so obsessed with chocolate that he has the molecular structure tattooed on his forearm. As we get closeups of the team melting and molding chocolate, Kristin exclaiming joy to another team off in the social distance is loud enough to get picked up by the boom over Pink, and if I could move into Candlyland, I would and never look back.
Our judges, Aarti Sequeira and Nacho Aguirre, swoop onto the scene to make sure the teams know they are NOT looking for simple vehicles. Aarti is still about that Candyland quotient, but Nacho wants clear and glass-like sugar work if a team is daring enough to add window elements to their vehicles. It’s only week two, but the judges are already ready to be tougher on the teams. Aarti claims people were sent home last week for tiny details, and I think I disagree, unless she meant the tiny wings on the lemon, then probably she’s right.
Food Network’s signature “Molly, you in danger, girl” music plays as we cut to Yellow, where last week’s champions cannot get their crisped rice cereal treat (Food Network may have rights to the real name, but this self-funded startup blog does not) to set on their off-road balloon. Will there be no justice for the citrus-colored teams in this competition?? Yellow will have to figure this out down a teammate, because it is once again time for King Kandy’s snack demands.
King Kandy still seems like we should be referring to him as Sir. This week, he wants a triple crunch treat, with three different elements that contain different crunches. Production has named the treats once again, which I can tell because Cinthya from Blue is making what a title card calls Strawberry Crunch but for which Cinthyia describes no strawberry elements. Robert from Pink is making a Chocolate Bomb, which is safe and makes sense. Yellow creates a Gumdrop Mountain Crunch Bar, and Red gets to work on a Triple Lemon Compassionate Crunch Tart, and no, no one on this show explains to me what makes a dessert compassionate (I will not be Googling, thank you).
Aarti goes over the rules of the twist challenge for the benefit of anyone who tunes into this midday while channel surfing or at 3am after turning on the tv after waking up in a panic in the middle of the night. Each team is down a member as each chosen teammate busies themself with their sacrifice to King Kandy. As the twist challenge winds down, Nacho bossily exclaims that he’s getting really hungry and, oh god, is...Nacho King Kandy? I will be vexed by the question of the monarch’s identity until this show’s finale. Still hoping for Guy Fieri, current ruler of the fiefdom of Flavortown.
The judges get to judging these triple crunch treats, or, as Kristin says, doing their “judgey thing.” Each little dessert looks like something off a high-end tasting menu and impresses the judges and also Kristin Chenoweth and also me. Kristin provides audience surrogacy for every Food Network competition program that has ever aired, letting us know she never knows if it’s bad or good when a judge tastes a dessert, makes a face, then leaves enough air time between the bite and their verbal reaction for suspenseful edits/cuts to commercial to easily be made in post. Aarti and Nacho are impressed by every dessert until they get to sweet Cinthya’s from Blue - her dessert does not have three distinct crunches. Alas, she is selected to go to Lord Licorice’s Red Licorice Room.
Kristin tells Cinthya she knows where she’s headed and she knows why, and I am once again asking the Food Network to explain to us why there’s a very adult punishment thread holding the fabric of this show together. Cinthya is overcome by guilt for letting her team down, and now she’s crying, and oh no, am I also crying because a competitor on - let me emphasize this - a Food Network holiday cooking competition show is crying? Yes. It’s Reva to the rescue, however, and she jumps in to comfort Cinthya, reminding everyone at home that at the end of the day, all this is just candy, and it can’t hurt you. Forget my planned production of Once Upon a Mattress - with this energy and action, Reva is now the Candyland Community Players’ resident director.
As punishment, Lord Licorice decrees that Cinthya must tie Blue together with red licorice for ten minutes, and I am so grateful that someone made this team do a little comedic group shuffle across screen after being tied up.
Blue is released from their licorice bonds in time for last looks and finishing touches, but a sugar element shatters on Red’s build as they’re trying to pull it together. This made me audibly gasp, as Kristin giving the teams a five minute warning is the Amy Poehler flipping her hair to pull focus from Regina before bus enters shot of this moment. Red’s Jewel does a quick fix, Yellow’s vehicle isn’t as clean as they had hoped, Reva literally squeals as she bounces from behind a set piece with lollipops to add as last touches for Blue, and Kristin disappointingly does not do a high note as the challenge’s end buzzer, but she does shout for the end in unison with Aarti and Nacho, which is fine and acceptable.
Time for the judgey thing! Aarti and Nacho expected more from last week’s winners, Yellow. Pink could have incorporated more color, but Aarti’s all-important Candyland quotient has been met here. The showy elements of Red’s saucer work, and Kristin is absolutely delighted by them. However, the judges call out many execution errors, and I am worried for this team now! Blue introduces their Helihover through Eric attempting a cute little accent, and I’ve cast him as Charlie Cowell in our Candyland production of The Music Man based on how strong his Rock Island would be alone (we already have a Marian the Librarian off-book and ready to go). Overall, the judges call out Blue’s improvement from last week. Kristin says she can fit in the Helihover and yet does not attempt to do so - disappointing!
Pink wins the week, and I’m now too emotionally attached to all of these teams to see any of them go home. In fantastic news for my already overtaxed nerves, this week is a Double Shantay! Thank you, King Kandy! Next week, Pink gets the King Kandy advantage of getting to pick their land. Everyone moves their pieces across the board, and next week, we’ll go to a candy carnival, where some of the teammates will raise their voices at each other in disagreement. Reva is also going to serenade Kristin Chenoweth with an original song about loving Kristin set to the tune of Joanna from Sweeney Todd. I rewatched those few seconds of teaser six times to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I was not. I am currently living in anticipation for nothing but this moment.
What’s making Candyland work in this time we’re all living through together is the joy and positive energy bursting out of every sugary inch of the set. Kristin is so genuinely on these contestants’ sides and so very much wants to see them succeed, and that’s a balm and a salve we can all put in our pockets on Sunday nights to carry into the week with us. It’s taken until the teaser for the third episode for there to be a hint of contestant to contestant drama, and frankly, that’s refreshing. As Reva would remind you, candy can’t hurt you, even if the world can.
Also, I think I’m now drafting grants for these teams to have a five show community theatre season? We have a bake sale built in. Kristin Chenoweth can headline their fundraiser. Reva will make the curtain speech before every show, a fistful of candy in each hand. This works, please trust me.
I’m going to keep writing these as long as they keep airing these, so tell a friend and share away. See ya, love ya, stay safe out there!
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