You Put the Fun in Fun House!: Candyland, Episode 3
I am once again asking you to watch Candyland on Food Network, airing Sundays 9/8c
Friends, family, and fans, welcome back. I hope your holiday was swell and that you stayed safe and healthy. I also hope you’re caught up on the holiday movie releases of the last few weeks, but if you aren’t, you’ve got time! Anyway, I’m still watching Candyland, just like I’m still going, “wait, are they all just in the LaDuca CanCan boot??” every time I see an ensemble number from Dolly Parton’s Christmas on the Square.
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It’s an awkwardly long time after the original air date of our collective favorite Sunday night distraction, so you know what that must mean: here comes another Candyland recap! (If you missed episodes one and two, why not catch up with my recaps?)
Our host/self-appointed Queen Lollipop, Kristin Chenoweth, runs into shot to start our episode three intro, and she almost slips and falls in the process. I am also this excited to get back to Candyland, so let’s dive into it!
Kristin greets our teams to dish out assignments in a white ruffled dress that reminds me of the Lady M Mille Crêpes cake (not an ad), which is something I have never eaten and yet miss very dearly. She leaps into sing song delivery at just over the minute mark, which I can only assume is out of sheer delight for this week’s theme: a Candy Carnival!
Pink won last week, so King Kandy has granted them what Kristin calls the advantageous advantage of choosing their land. Candy Captain Alexis goes with Lollipop Woods. Blue’s Candy Captain Cinthya draws Gumdrop Mountains, Yellow’s Jordan pulls Peppermint Forest, and Red’s Jewel gets Chocolate Mountain. This is the first time I’ve noticed that the challenges, which I know are long, are, in fact, six hours long, to which I say good for these dessert artists for making candy art for the same amount of time it would take to watch Scorsese’s The Irishman 1.72 times!
Pink wants to live up to last week’s win, which I think is comparable to the pressure I feel as I write these recaps week after week (television should touch on the universality of the human experience like that). They’re going to make something outside the candy box by making a spooky King Kandy funhouse with a roller coaster coming out of his mouth and oh no, unfortunately this is too spooky for me and I do not like it here.
Over with Red, we learn Deva hates chocolate, which probably made a few people watching at home go, “FINALLY someone who GETS me!” Red is going to sculpt a chocolate one-woman band carnival attraction. They’ve got a lot to deal with on top of the challenge, because Linda, last week’s King Kandy snack sacrifice from Red, has left the competition. This reminds me very much of when Diana left Great British Bake Off immediately after allegedly ruining Iain’s baked alaska (Team Diana Was Framed, if you were wondering). The occasion calls for a RuDemption, so Deavynne, formerly of eliminated Orange and who Mamie Gummer will portray if this is ever optioned as a scripted series, joins Red.
Jordan is thrilled to get the chance to lead Yellow, as he is a naturally competitive person, so naturally, their carnival creation will be an interactive peppermint toss game the judges must play. They do not mention if the host must play, which makes me think my chances of seeing Kristin lob candy through the air are not high. We learn Jordan started building models with his grandfather as a child, which led him to a career as an architect, which led him to miss working with his hands and also to a lot of Food Network watching on his part, which led to him getting into baking and appearing on competition programs on that same Food Network. Honestly, just like me feeling like Ina Garten when I buy the most expensive olive oil at Whole Foods, as a treat.
Blue is exploring Gumdrop Mountains, where they hold a giant gummy worm up next to Cinthya to compare her size to the worm’s, solidifying that Cinthya is indeed the baker version of Kristin Chenoweth. They, too, will be making a carnival game, but not interactive; rather, their creation will be a depiction of a mischievous little boy playing the classic midway water pistol game. Reva thinks Blue gets better every week, and I think we all deserve a cheerleader like Reva. I feel the edit of this episode encouraging me to cheer on Blue, and as a long time fan of competition reality television programming, I know this is potentially very bad for their chances this week.
Our judges, Nacho Aguirre and Aarti Sequeira, are back in the house! Nacho wants to feel excited by this week’s creations, because a carnival makes everyone happy. Aarti wants to be a little scared by the creations, because carnivals can be a little scary, and yes, that’s because Aarti doesn’t like clowns. I feel in my bones that Aarti was bamboozled by that one VERY SCARY trailer for It Chapter Two before trying to see, I don’t know, Rocketman in a movie theatre in summer 2019 that ruined the subsequent movie viewing experience for her. If this feels like a very specific and personal reference, that’s on purpose!
Aarti is wearing earrings that evoke sour gummy worms and a gorgeous pink eye look. Congrats to hair and makeup and wardrobe on Candyland - excellent work all around. I promise Nacho is wearing great suits, too, but I’m not trying to emulate great suit wearing in my own life the way I’m trying to accessorize and rock a whimsical eye, so this is something I simply do not have an eye for. Apologies, Nacho.
Over with Red, Ray is making his signature delightful figures of speech, saying, “[Deavynne’s] chocolate bonbons are bomb dot com good.” How dare every person on this show make me want to be their friend in real life! Aarti and all of Red are glad to see Deavynne back for RuDemption, Red because they think she’s a great addition to the team, Aarti because she hates to see a competitor cry. In this spirit, she cautions Red that they tend to aim for the stars and get lost along the way, so try to not do that this week. Jewel hopes Red will keep their piece grounded with personal elements: there will be a candy kaleidoscope as an homage to her father’s kaleidoscope. If anyone was wondering, Deva still hates chocolate.
Pink is making a track for their spooky fun house coaster out of purple peppermint sticks, which Kristin Chenoweth loves SO much. Kristin thinks Andrew, our spookiest mastermind, has probably wanted to visit Lord Licorice this entire competition, and I can’t say she’s wrong. As we get to know Candy Captain Alexis, she reveals that she’s had anxiety and depression but worked through them with baking - she’s even self-taught. This made both me and Kristin gasp, though only one of us was on camera. Unfortunately, I now adore all of these dessert artists and will not be able to handle seeing them in pain, which is great because a team is definitely being sent home this week, as Nacho and Aarti afirm they must do after eliminating no one last week.
Pink may or may not have made Kristin a crown, which she confirms she is very comfortable in. I cannot tell if Pink will actually be placing a crown on Kristin’s head or if Alexis is just very good at Yes And. Thank you very much to Kristin for basically doing the Glinda Thank Goodness Evita gag arms as she talks about the crown. I have seen Wicked so many times and have earned this.
If we hear exclaiming, it must mean the time has come to check in on Blue, where director/cheerleader Reva has renamed the team Team Candy Andy, as the mischievous little boy in Blue’s creation is now named Candy Andy. Nacho warns that last week, King Kandy was generous with Blue, but who is to say if the king will be so generous this week? The betting odds for Nacho as King Kandy improve weekly, but I’ve decided Alton Brown is also now in the running alongside Guy Fieri. I am willing to explain my reasoning for this over email; just reach out.
Reva’s still keeping the energy and positivity level humming at about a 9.75 out of ten, and Kristin confesses she fell in love with Reva the minute she walked into Candyland (same), Reva confesses she loves Kristin (same), and that her first passion was singing (same!). Reva is operatically trained, just like our Queen Lollipop, and oh my god, Kristin suggests they have a sing-off. Here, the episode cuts to commercial, and I hyperventilated in anticipation through the entire break. When we return, Reva, ever the collaborator, suggests the sing-off be considered a sing-along instead. It’s really happening. Kristin sings she loves Reva to the tune of Joanna from Sweeney Todd. Reva sings back that she loves Kristin but MODULATES UP. Kristin modulates up AGAIN and sings back for Reva to stop outsinging her. REVA SINGS BACK, MATCHING THE KEY! The rush I feel watching something like this is what other people have to feel like watching sports. I had this exact recurring dream in 8th grade, but I was in the Reva role. The only way I know how to fully describe this, and please know this is a reference literally only for 15 people I went to college with, is that this is the so-called Coloratura Battle a friend and I did for our agent showcase, where we just sang parts of the end section of Glitter and Be Gay at each other.
Red has renamed themselves the Fab Five, with their chocolate lady as the fifth member. Jewel is doing an amazing time making Deavynne welcome on her new team. There is a mild disagreement on Pink, which is really the first interpersonal conflict to be shown in Candyland. Pink is worried they’re taking a different direction than everyone else, which could hurt, but they can’t dwell too long, because fanfare echos across set (“the trumpets never get old, I’m tellin’ ya!” Kristin says to camera.) King Kandy wants his weekly treat, but he wants to surprise the judges with a treat that looks like one thing but tastes like another. If this is the everything is secretly cake meme, no thank you, I say!
Blue’s Brittani is making s’mores disguised as gumdrops called S’more Please, which only reminds me of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Yellow’s Jamilla is crafting a carnival snow cone that’s really white chocolate mint mousse, Robert from Pink is doing a candy apple that’s secretly cream cheese mousse, and Deva, I think, has not heard that the treat is supposed to look like a food, because she’s making a piano key using cookie butter she has literally gone digging on the set for.
Kristin has done a costume change, and she’s now dressed as Catherine of Aragon, and I hope she somehow does cosplay as every character from the musical Six before this is through. Nacho and Aarti have general praise for these treats, but someone has to lose. Because you can’t eat a piano key, Deva is sent to Licorice Lagoon. Kristin leads her to her fate and tries out a new Lord Licorice voice, which sounds like her audition for Madame Morrible (I promise I have seen musicals that are not Wicked and have an entire degree in theatre, even). Deva has to play a carnival game in which she digs through shaving cream and has to get three of the many balls hidden within through a basketball hoop. Deva and I seem to share a worst nightmare, and it is this game. Kristin promises Deva she’s there to be a cheerleader, then does a little cheer and calls her baby no fewer than three times.
Deva insists, “I suck at basketball!” and Kristin goes, “you don’t!” and then Deva immediately misses the first shot she tries to take, which is excellent work from the editors. Kristin has severely underestimated how much a person like Deva or me can suck at basketball. I hope it didn’t take as long in real life for Deva to sink three balls in as I fear it did, but she is eventually released back to Red. Kristin dunks a ball through the tiny carnival hoop on her way out of Licorice Lagoon, and delivers, “never dunked anything,” right to camera. There are little victories everywhere in Candyland.
The main challenge is almost over, and everyone is stressed, especially Andrew, who is stress eating candy - relatable. My precious Blue is having a very rough go of the wrap up, and honestly, my kingdom for a little bit of Andrew’s candy to stress eat! The challenge ends (I’m still chasing the high of Kristin ending it with a high note in the first episode), and Mona hits Andrew’s victory roll with a blowdryer presumably used in sugar work for good measure. The judgement starts with Yellow, who’ve managed to make peppermint clowns who are cute instead of creepy, and who meet Aarti’s oft mentioned Candyland quotient. The judges, but pointedly not Kristin, play a round of the interactive game, and Nacho wins! His prize is a fortune that reads a good way to keep healthy is to eat more candy. Questionable advice!
Pink’s fun house is described as magical, whimsical, and Tim Burton-esque, although parts are messy and Nacho doesn’t find it structurally stable. Nacho, Aarti, and Kristin all get to use flashlights to interact with the edible UV paint on the piece, and I’m just happy someone got to use this paint after the Food Network Halloween competition programs wrapped.
Blue unveils Candy Andy, who IS Candyland, Aarti tells us, and personally, I am very taken by the real lights under the sugar light covers on this. However, she and Nacho agree that they can see where things got rushed. Say a prayer for Blue! Red’s Lady Music, the One Woman Band looks amazing. Like, there’s no nuanced insight I can offer here. It’s just a stunning sculpture made of chocolate. Nacho is glad Red finally listened to critiques and got it together, and Aarti loves her candy floss inspired hair. Do they also have critiques? Sure, but sometimes you have to let a perfect moment land.
Yellow is crowned the winner, though Red has won in my heart. Regrettably, my perfect, precious Blue is going home. Kristin has lost a duet partner, I have lost the entire company of the Candyland Community Players, and we have all lost cheerleaders, rays of sunshine, and excellent accessories. Reva is the main character, so she gets the last word on Blue’s Candyland exit. She’s sad to leave Candyland, not just because there’s candy everywhere, but because it really is a beautiful place. Reva, I could not agree more. Reva reminds us that after all, she is still walking away with a pocketful of candy; for this I thank her deeply, for she has left me with a parting image of her skipping off set, giggling, apron pockets overflowing with gumdrops and lollipops in her hair, with an exasperated PA in a face shield and mask chasing behind. This is a gift I owe her a deep debt for.
Next week is sports, and I’m worried already. For the theme? Yes. For my aversion to sports? Yes. For how everyone will get on without Blue? Very much yes. But Candyland is still beautiful, not just because of the rock candy swaying in the trees. This is a place and a show where you can vicariously live out a childhood dream, whether that’s a dream of moving into a board game or trying to sing higher than Kristin Chenoweth. And that? That’s sweeter than a cookie butter piano key, even if the piano key crafter kinda misunderstood the assignment.
As stated somewhere above, Candyland airs Sundays on Food Network at 9/8c. Check your local listings or whatever, and someone remember to watch this show with me so I don’t keep getting “????” in reply when I text things like “NOT KING KANDY’S NOSE!” Oh, and tell a friend by smashing share.
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I still have some candy! Lol let me know whenever you need an extra cheerleader! Cheers, Reva